there are these quotes that i used to make my life motto: fake it till you make it or smile until you believe it. well i tried both and let me tell you…it’s bullshit. there was a season where all i did was pretend as though nothing was wrong. but really i was trying to distract myself from my world falling apart. The relationship with the boy i loved too much ended. it sounds silly now as i type, but when a person is your first love, he feels like your whole world. i tried countless things to feel loved again, but thoughts overwhelmed me. thoughts like “you don’t deserve love anyways. you aren’t worthy of it because the one person who matter doesn’t feel that way.” a couple of years previously, a friend of mine committed suicide. his name was Matt and he was sixteen years old. i never truly knew someone who committed suicide before. when i was young a neighbor did, but that was different. this was personal. what struck me the most was that he seemed so perfectly put together. but as i experienced two years later, the world crumbled around him. the difference between our stories (matt and mine) is that he took action and i was furious that he got there first. i couldn’t stop being jealous of him. i was trapped with thoughts of ending my life, planning it strategically, but knowing the pain survivors suffer through. so instead of suicide, the darkness of it enveloped my whole being. i lived two lives. in the daytime i masked my depression with a forced smile. at night, alone in my sorrow, i merely existed in a deep pit. i saw no hope. i saw no light. nights were the most difficult. even though i believed in God, i was not following Him. He was not Lord of my life. i did not trust in His ways, i did not love Him. but despite this, He seeped through the darkness in a way no one else could. He showered light in the midst of my despair. one night in particular, He rescued me from suicidal thinking. i was emotionally exhausted that night and even though i never prayed, i prayed this: “God, i’m tired. i don’t want to wake up tomorrow. please don’t wake me up.” i then fell fast asleep. when i woke up, i was devastated.
“Why God? Why am i still alive?”
“because I love you so much that I gave My only Son that when you believe in Him, you will have eternal life,” He whispered softly.
His voice was so warm and inviting it embodied my being with a feeling of deep compassion i never felt before. a heavy weight on my heart i didn’t know existed was lifted.
it was the last night i ever wanted to die.