3/2/2011

My life begins on the other side of the world in the Philippines. After two and a half years in foster care, a great family adopted me. I came with so much emotional baggage and unknown ancestry. My parents did their best to shelter me and they did a good job, but the world slowly revealed itself to me. Throughout my school years I relied on boys to determine not only my happiness, but my worth. I was afraid of taking risks and getting hurt, but it all seemed to go away my senior year of high school when I started dating my first boyfriend. Then my worth was in his hands. My identity was based on my status with him. I prided myself as his girlfriend until two years later, I wasn’t anymore.  I then started to believe that drugs and alcohol could help me regain the control I lost, but in reality I had no control at all. I was numb and was convinced that to feel something I had to turn to self-injury when really it was much more than that. I covered up my secrets with long sleeves and a smile. I let Satan tell me I was no good at living, to the point of saying that I shouldn’t. I always thought that it was because a friend got there first that I never went through with it, but in hindsight, I know it was God’s love that stopped me.Most of the nights I regret involved alcohol. Most times than not I would find a guy who paid attention to me and liked the way I was drunk. I may have played along, but none of them meant anything to me. Then this past semester, I met someone who returned my feelings and was a decent guy. Our “relationship” was short lived for it went way too fast. September completely broke me down, but God was preparing my heart for something amazing. I was blessed to have two people in my life who let God use them to get to me. They have been my refuge and God has softened their hearts to open their arms to me. I started to go to church with them and admired something in them that I couldn’t place my finger on or explain. I told one of them about what happened in September along with everything else in my life. She hugged me, prayed for me, and lent me her Bible. Even though I grew up in the Church, I found myself struggling with finding and reading the passages. I read Romans Road almost everyday and knew the words were true, but something held me back from accepting Christ. The second to last Thursday of September, she invited me to go to a Cru meeting. I was at rock bottom that day. I mouthed the lyrics to the worship songs, listened to a testimony about the concept of being saved, and met a lot of people whom I forgot two seconds later. A fall retreat was mentioned during the meeting. It was a time to build fellowship and strengthen your relationship with God. I didn’t completely understand, but thought about thinking to go anyways. By the next meeting, I decided to go to Fall Getaway blind. I didn’t know what was in store for me whatsoever. When I woke up on October 1st, it felt like a whole new chapter in my life. I wanted something amazing to happen and subconsciously prayed that God would reveal Himself that weekend. During the first session, the speaker asked us what we were holding back from God and were we willing to say “I give up my whole life to You?” Those words rang in my heart and stayed there the whole retreat. During worship, I actually sang out loud and found meaning in the lyrics. Then, on the next day after our second session, we had some alone time to connect with God. I chose the playground I discovered the night before and sat on the swings. I didn’t have a journal at the time so I couldn’t write down anything. Instead, I prayed, I cried, and I finally gave my whole life, heart, and soul up to God. It amazed me how light and at peace I felt the days following. His love had been my saving grace. I trust that He has a great plan for me and cannot wait to carry it out. I may have just started my walk with God, but He has been by my side since He gave me my first breath.

Advertisements